I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
