Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
