why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
