I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
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