Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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