R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
