Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
