I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
