took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
BRING THE BAGELS
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
