the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
