She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Alive.
So much puke
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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