Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
