I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
