who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
