closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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