Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
