I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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