While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Randomize
