Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
