WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
