I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
