tell your sister to shave her snatch
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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