I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
