I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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