this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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