so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
