Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
