I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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