You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Randomize
