take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
