Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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