Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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