He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
