we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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