i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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