i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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