oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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