3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
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