I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
