He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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