her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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