He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
