Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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