News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
She made me pour olive oil on her.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
