A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
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