You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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