Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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