I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
