He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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