you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
