If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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