I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
