why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
