is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
