I wish I could teleport
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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