I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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