i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
