Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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